A birthday. So, I write.

A special person should be celebrating his 50th birthday today.  We were married almost 18 years when cancer claimed him.  He was too young.  It’s why I get irked when people whine about their birthdays.  I say, “Be glad you are getting to celebrate!”

He gave me the two best gifts in the world; our sons.  He also gave me the gift of his family that I still get to be part of … unlike in many divorces where that is lost .  I got to “keep” my in-laws, nieces and nephews (and now get to watch my greats grow up!).  They are a special family, indeed.  They kept me around even when I remarried.  Another gift that keeps giving.  And a gift for which I am extremely grateful.  I don’t say it out loud because I would end up a big, bawling mess … and we don’t need that.  So, I write.

What I don’t know how to do, ever, is acknowledge these “special” dates.  Flowers at the cemetery?  For some people that helps.  For me, it makes me feel worse.

That just isn’t where he is.

I “connect” in random places … the timber is a good one.  Or to go to my son’s college’s parents’ weekend.

However, I can honestly say I never feel disconnected from Gary or my Dad.  They are such a part of my person and my daily walk.

And so, I write my birthday thoughts.

About Marla Rose

This blog documents our farm life in central Illinois with photographs, experiences, and a dash of cooking. Pour a cup of coffee and enjoy sharing part of our lives!
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14 Responses to A birthday. So, I write.

  1. Becky says:

    You will always be family no matter what your last name is!! Pig farmer is a nice addition to the family! (Insert big smile)!

  2. Regina says:

    Thank you for sharing, “special days” are very important !

  3. Jessica says:

    Just lovely! I was just looking through pictures when we all did a wiener roast when I brought Scott out to meet everyone. It was the last one I had with grandpa and Gary.

  4. Janie Fox says:

    You make me cry. I find my comfort in my heart. Outside too. The cemetery has never been where I “go” to visit my sons or my father-in-law. They are in my heart. Knowing my loved ones are partying with Jesus on their birthday is a balm to my soul. Hugs to you friend.

  5. Thanks for having the courage to share such special thoughts with the rest of us. I will keep you in my thoughts today. -Jennifer

  6. Christine says:

    I just went back in your blog and found this….I too, connect with my loved ones through my own wierd little way…music, smells, or strange places…Things like a hill at gpa’s farm, a smell of leather or a horse, or a Peter Gabriel song, yep, they do it to me every time..Usually it’s a random thing, but it brings back the days we spent with them all over again…I try to follow the traditions and go to the cemetery and all that sad display, but there are many days I just live for that moment of release when I can sit on a hill and cry just because I miss him, and the smell of his truck and the way his old wrinkled hands looked, or the blue of his eyes….God how I miss him….

    • crazymom2011 says:

      You are so right. Random things. Music, walks and smells are so powerful! The smell of pipe tobacco brings my Grandpa back in a snap.

      • Christine says:

        It’s amazing to me that some people never know the connection that our loved ones make with us after they are gone. I lost a cousin to suicide several years ago and there are times for no reason I will think of him and within a few seconds a rarely played song from his funeral comes on the radio..or recently, i saw his widow at the grocery store where she works and within one minute of her and I talking, one of those songs came over the overhead music in the store, she found me and said that she knew he was there with us still…I have to hang onto these things, it keeps me sane…

      • crazymom2011 says:

        It is good that you recognize those moments! It’s hard to explain and when it happens it is so powerful.

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