There came a time during my first husband’s 2-year fight with glioblastoma multiforme – brain cancer, that I felt my prayers were going unanswered. Not all of them, but definitely the prayers for a miracle to be granted. I was well-researched and knew the odds. Yet, couldn’t he, with all the people that were praying for him, be the miracle? The next spokesperson for God’s good work?
While I knelt in the Immaculate Conception Church, something (Someone?) told me I needed to pray for grace, strength and wisdom.
Grace, to me, came slowly. The mental fatigue was overwhelming. I think it was grace, anyway, that started to let me feel peace at times. Occasionally, unexpectedly, I would feel peace. It had become a foreign feeling. I would feel so grateful when it occured that I couldn’t overlook it and I would wonder, “Is this what God’s Grace feels like?”
Strength came in the form of being a mother to my boys. I couldn’t give in, couldn’t quit (for long anyway). Something (again, Someone?) would pull me up … and make me ask for help. I had no choice. I had to be present and active. I had to get up and make the coffee.
Two out of three isn’t bad. 🙂
I still don’t feel I have received wisdom. I remember asking Gary’s radiologist questions I had from a book I was reading. She stopped and said, “Where did you get that book? That’s a medical textbook!” I didn’t want to let my ignorance stand in the way of his treatment options. I still have more questions than answers. I still can’t answer the questions that people have when facing crisis. Why? How? The best I have is, “We don’t know why? It is what it is.” and “You just do….one step, one day, at a time.”