There came a time during my first husband’s 2-year fight with glioblastoma multiforme – brain cancer, that I felt my prayers were going unanswered. Not all of them, but definitely the prayers for a miracle to be granted. I was well-researched and knew the odds. Yet, couldn’t he, with all the people that were praying for him, be the miracle? The next spokesperson for God’s good work?
While I knelt in the Immaculate Conception Church, something (Someone?) told me I needed to pray for grace, strength and wisdom.
Grace, to me, came slowly. The mental fatigue was overwhelming. I think it was grace, anyway, that started to let me feel peace at times. Occasionally, unexpectedly, I would feel peace. It had become a foreign feeling. I would feel so grateful when it occured that I couldn’t overlook it and I would wonder, “Is this what God’s Grace feels like?”
Strength came in the form of being a mother to my boys. I couldn’t give in, couldn’t quit (for long anyway). Something (again, Someone?) would pull me up … and make me ask for help. I had no choice. I had to be present and active. I had to get up and make the coffee.
Two out of three isn’t bad. 🙂
I still don’t feel I have received wisdom. I remember asking Gary’s radiologist questions I had from a book I was reading. She stopped and said, “Where did you get that book? That’s a medical textbook!” I didn’t want to let my ignorance stand in the way of his treatment options. I still have more questions than answers. I still can’t answer the questions that people have when facing crisis. Why? How? The best I have is, “We don’t know why? It is what it is.” and “You just do….one step, one day, at a time.”
I believe God has most definitely blessed you with all three as this post so clearly shows. Thanks for being that someone whom others can look to as an example of Grace, Strength and Wisdom. :0)
Thank you for reading and commenting. You just never know what people see in you!
I remember wanting to just give up, too, when my sister died. But like you, I had children. I couldn’t lie in bed and left grief overtake me for long. My children were little and most didn’t understand what had happened. My aunt said the same thing about when her brother (my father) died. Her son was just a couple of years old and she, too, and to carry on for him. Often we grieve when we have quiet moments alone.
Your comments are reassuring. Your last sentence is so true.
You are so right Marla. Even tho u struggle life goes on. But I guess thats what makes us keep going. We will find out why and all those unanswered questions when you get to Heaven. But I would think the same thing all these people praying why didnt God preform a miracle. But sometimes we cant see the big picture that God can. I am so thankful you are part of our family because you are the perfect fit for the “pig farmer”. But it makes me sad to think what had to happen to get to us. I know all of us are very thankful for you.
Thank you so much. You and your family have definitely been blessings to us!